Feeling Unloved: What Lies Beneath

Tara stepped into my office tentatively, not knowing what to expect. Or maybe she was just tentative about everything, given how her life was right now. 

As Tara started sharing her story and what was bothering her, I felt compelled to stop her and ask, “I’m sorry, but is your husband seeing someone else?” She seemed surprised, confused, but determined. “No!” she said emphatically—but tentatively again. 

“But, for three long years, you have felt that he isn’t present for you. Has this never crossed your mind?” I enquired gently. “It has, but I checked with him, and it isn’t so. I have now spent countless evenings waiting up for him while he works till late. I don’t recall the last time when I felt loved or cared for by him. Now I’m having a lot of anxiety.” 

“Hmm, alright,” I said. “Let’s see what this is about then. We will use the inner child work.”

So, we began the regression session to discover why she felt so unloved and devalued in the marriage. This is the most common concern that most clients have come to me with. Women seem more aware of this feeling and more willing to overcome it, and hence women coming for this concern outnumber the men. 

READ: The Art of the Uncomfortable Conversation

In the regression session using inner child work, we have techniques that help you understand why you feel the way you do and what you can do to overcome it. It’s simple – explore, understand, heal and transform. Limiting beliefs that we form in our mind when we go through some trauma in the past create our present. With this basic premise, we dive deep.

Tara closed her eyes and allowed herself to connect with her subconscious mind. Within just a few minutes, 35-year-old Tara, who has two kids of her own, could vividly sense the presence of her 8-year-old self who was feeling unloved by her mother. And given my experience with more than 100 clients, I could almost see the vivid connection between how she is feeling unloved today and how she felt unloved then! 

She had grown up in a comfortable home, with all comforts and a seemingly loving family with no significant trauma. However, here she was, silently shedding tears with her eyes closed, as she saw the 8-year old Tara constantly criticized and disregarded by her mother. And over a long period of this happening, the young girl had decided that I am no good and don’t deserve to be loved. And over time, this decision became her reality in relationships beyond her mother. It proved itself over and over again. In a failed college romance, in her almost failed marriage, and even in her job—where she never felt appreciated. 

As she explored her childhood in her subconscious mind, guided by my questions, it became apparent to Tara that she could now choose to stop living from the perspective of the little girl that she was. The adult Tara could now appreciate that while mom may have had her reasons, and it certainly wasn’t acceptable, but she had a choice to stop living from that perspective and accept herself as she was. She understood finally that her mother’s behavior was not about her at all! It washer parent’s own story and style and whatever she was going through. The adult Tara could now understand that she is amazing as she is and surely deserves loves. 

With this perspective, post the session, Tara could see how her thoughts that she wasn’t good or worthy of love were playing a role in her marriage and what she was attracting from her husband. 

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This is something we all need to understand. So within—so without. Our thoughts determine our reality. How we feel about ourselves will determine what we manifest. And as in Tara’s case, it could also come up in multiple areas of your life and limit you. 

Sometimes, we could go through a significant part of life feeling alright, and then suddenly one day, hell breaks loose and all these deep-seated limiting beliefs create a new reality for us. At that point, we have a choice. Continue to play victim, or take life back in our control by healing and transforming these beliefs and taking on a fresh belief or perspective. 

Tara, to complete her story, soon gathered the courage to see what she had not faced for 3 years. That it wasn’t about her. And she chose to face her husband, call him out for his behavior, and choose herself over him. In Tara’s story, she finally accepted that her husband was with someone else, and she was better off on her own, rather than trying incessantly to make him love her. And today, she has greater peace of mind and, consequently, life is more peaceful in other areas too. 

It doesn’t always have to be this way though. I have had clients who have decided to continue to live together, by shifting their focus within, changing their belief patterns, working on the relationship, and hence reigniting the love that they once shared! More on that later! 

While the end of the story will differ, but feeling unloved is a common concern – and it may have little to do with your partner!

Meet the Writer: Kanu Priya Sekhri
Founder of In-Fluent Learning and Therapist at Kindly with Kanu. Kanu Priya Sekhri is trained in various modalities including Inner child work, family and organization constellation, regression, and reiki
. She holds an MBA from IIM Bangalore with 16 years of work experience, and is now working as a coach and therapist. 

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